I have been having an incredibly hard time.
With my esophagus, with my eating, and with coming to terms with it all. I have been praying and praying that Jesus would heal me in His due timing (but please make it fast because I really miss food)!! So, the other night as I’m doing my daily devotional for my bible study group, it told me to ask Jesus to give me an answer through The Word. So, I closed my eyes. And I prayed.
“Dear Lord, You know what is weighing on my heart the heaviest. I pray that when I open my eyes, the first scripture You reveal to me will bring me some peace and some reassurance in Your timing. In Jesus’ name, Amen.”
With my eyes still closed, I turned into a random page in my bible and opened my eyes. The very first scripture He revealed to me was Matthew 8:1-4, which reads: “Jesus came down the mountain with the cheers of the crowd still ringing in His ears. Then a leper appeared and went to his knees before Jesus and, praying, ‘Master, if You want to, You can heal my body.’ Jesus reached out and touched him, saying, ‘I want to. Be clean.’ Then and there, all signs of leprosy were gone. Jesus said, ‘Don’t talk about this all over town. Just quietly present your healed body to the priest, along with the appropriate expressions of thanks to God. Your cleaned and grateful life, not your words, will bear witness to what I have done.”
Y’all… only God.
Friends, brothers, and sisters in Christ… I have not yet been healed but this little bit of reassurance from God brought so much peace to something that has weighed so, so heavy on my heart. If I ask that you take away anything at all from this story, I want it to be only God. I want you to trust that only God can lift these mountains sitting on your heart. There is NOTHING you can’t give to God that He will not fix in His own timing and in a way that He sees fit.
The past six (almost seven) months of my life have been an absolute rollercoaster. I have had death dangled in front of my face, only to wake up almost perfectly fine. I have extubated myself at 4 a.m. on a Monday in the PICU at Children’s Hospital at Egleston. My parents were told not just once, but twice, that my condition was “unstable,” yet here I am. I had about 6 centimeters of impacted food removed from my esophagus only to discover that I have an esophageal web or “netting” that is really affecting my diet and my weight is constantly going up and down. I drink at least two Ensure Plus nutritional shakes a day because each one is 350 calories. I take at least two tablespoons of pure canola oil a day because each one is about 124 calories. I do this just to try and keep enough calories in my system. As of right now, I’m basically living off high calorie drinks, soups, mashed potatoes, ice cream, and occasionally chicken or pulled pork. I’m not telling you this for sympathy votes or advice. That’s actually the last thing I want to hear (because believe me, I’ve tried everything). I’m sharing this story to shed some light on what a mess the past seven months of my life have been.
I’ve been on an emotional and physical rollercoaster but one thing still remains: my unwaivering faith in Christ. In the past, I spent so much time trying to camouflage my situation. Wearing false lashes, wigs, and drawing on my eyebrows so I could keep it all my dirty little secret. I wouldn’t talk about it unless I was asked. I was afraid I wouldn’t fit in with my “pretty friends” anymore. I was afraid no man would love me if I “looked sick.” But, you know what? I’m done camouflaging who I am because I don’t fit in with my “pretty friends” anymore (this is no one’s fault, all my friends are incredible but they are all in a different season of life than I am). I’m not afraid of not finding love because I have all the love I need in Christ. Maybe it’s not even in God’s plan for me to get married but who cares?? Because I have the love of my life in Christ and He is fashioning me in His eye, whether it be for my future husband or just for me.
And I trust Him. I trust Him with my friends. I trust Him with who I may or may not marry. I trust Him with my cancer. I trust Him with my esophagus. I trust His timing. My prayer for all of you reading this right now is that you learn to trust Him, too. So I’d like to close out with this prayer:
I pray over every single precious person reading this right now. I pray they reveal to You whatever is heavy on their heart and they put all their faith in You and Your timing. I pray You surround them with all Your glory and blanket them with a sense of peace. I pray You heal us all in Your timing, whatever our struggles may be, and use our circumstances for Your benefit in the meantime.
In Jesus’ name,
“I hate those who worship worthless idols. I trust in the Lord. I will be glad and rejoice in Your unfailing love, for You have seen my troubles, and You care about the anguish of my soul. …I am scorned by all my enemies and despised by my neighbors-even my friends are afraid to come near me. …But I am trusting You, O Lord, saying, ‘You are my God!'” Psalms 31:6-14